Here we go again – Guinness Premiership 2009/10

The 2009/10 Guinness Premiership Season starts on Friday. I’ll be manning the keyboard at Eurosport keeping up their fine live rugby coverage at http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/

 

The up coming season is a massive one for domestic rugby. In the wake of the big money exodus to France, alleged drug take at Bath and the Bloodgate scandal at Harlequins, English rugby’s reputation is about as credible as Hamid Karzai election team. The situation is so bad that the powers that be have put together a crack team known as the RFU Task Force. The group of specially selected ex-players, RFU members and club owners are out to clean up rugby so if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…

 

Here at 80 minutes later in these times of economic and social depression we prefer to take Monty Python’s advice and always look on the bright side of life, so in no particular order here’s the top 10 things to look forward to this season:

1. Lee Smith – When a 22 year old win the Harry Sunderland Man of the Match Trophy in Super League Grand Final decides to switch codes the following season we should be licking our lips in anticipation. However, given the number of players to come from League with kit bags full of potential and fail to make an impact most people will be holding judgement on Lee Smith. Having made the switch at the tender age of 23 and under the tutelage of Shaun Edwards if Smith can’t be successful there is not much hope for any player coming from the 13 man code.

2. Welford Road – The home of the Leicester Tigers has always been an intimidating place to play. With 17,000 fully charged Tigermaniacs sitting right on top of the pitch it provides one of the best atmospheres in the Premiership. The introduction of the new Caterpillar Stand means that capacity is now up to 24,000. Newcastle have the dubious honour of being the first visiting side. I’m sure the good folk of Leicester won’t let us down and the place will be full to the rafters, or to be more factually correct the RSJs – the atmosphere will be suitably raucous.

3. Heineken Cup Rugby – The Heineken cup never fails to entertain and last season was no exception. No rugby fan could fail to appreciate the emotion of Leinster’s victory. Then there was the sudden death kick off, Alan Quinlan’s eye gouging and Quins blood injury faking all proving it’s arguably rugby’s greatest club competition. Roll on 2009’s tournament.

4. David Lemi – When a guy scorers 33 tries in four seasons for a team that only scored 33 tries in the whole of last season it stands to reason he’s probably quite good at scoring tries. Now the diminutive flying Samoan has signed for one of the most successful teams in English rugby history, London Wasps. So fingers crossed he will light up the Premiership this year.

5. Bloodgate – As the great philosopher Ian Dowie once said, “It’s all about bouncebackability”. For Quins this year that couldn’t be more true. In the most controversial of circumstances they have lost their director of rugby Dean Richards who almost single handedly rebuilt the club after their relegation from the Premiership. The gory details of the Bloodgate scandal are splashed all over the back pages at the moment and Quins must feel there is no escape. However, last season was Quins most successful for years so they must put the humiliation of the past few months behind them and build on the improvements they made last term. Keep your eye out for Quins new mascot, apparently Count Duckula is coming out of retirement.

6. England – Martin Johnson’s England seemed to turn a corner at the end of the 2009 Six Nations with two wins, including a convincing victory over France at Twickenham. Johnson will be hoping the Lions foray to South Africa won’t slow his side’s momentum. Come November England will be attempting to put the embarrassment of last Autumn to rest as they once again face the best of the Southern Hemisphere starting with Australia.

7. Saracens – The Mad Doctor, Brendan Venter, returns and this time he’s in charge of Saracens. Venter’s arrival and the talk of Saracens becoming London South Africa angered many rugby fans. Venter has signed seven new South Africans taking the squad total up to 11 Boks. However, no one was complaining when he led massive underdogs London Irish to Powergen Cup victory in 2002. There were seven South Africans in Venter’s match squad that day. Whoever doubts Venter should heed his warnings that he has created a ‘tribe’ at Saracens. They kick off the season against Venter’s old team London Irish at Twickenham. The Exiles should expect an incredibly physical encounter.

After Schalk Brits barnstorming display for the Barbars against England the Twickenham crowd will be eger to see him in action. This time in a Saracens shirt.

8. Ben Cohen – If someone said, “In England we have a big powerful winger who can pick up a loose ball then out strip the entire All Black’s backline” you’d probably say, “Great”. If someone said, “Ben Cohen is coming back to the Premiership” you probably wouldn’t care. Following Cohen’s fall out with Northampton and a couple of years exile in France it seems Big Ben is hungry to pull on an England shirt again. Still only 30 if he can find some of his old form he could make the kind of impact only a 16 stone winger can.

9. The rolling maul – It’s back. Who would have thought we’d have missed sixteen big, ugly, muddy, sweaty, bloodied men with their heads up each others arses. But we did and now days of big powerful packs dominating games are back and we’re ok with that.

10. Relegation – The excitement of the Premiership season isn’t all about the big boys. Spare a thought for the little guys. Last season the hapless Bristol only won two games. The team replacing them, Leeds, will be hoping to make a better account of themselves and give us a bit of drama at the bottom, as well as the top of the league.

An eye for an eye.

Tom Williams just been banned from rugby for 12 months and Quins hit with a hefty £215,000 fine for their part in the “bloodgate” scandal. It all happened back in April when Leinster visited Quins in a thrilling European Cup quarter final. With the game poised at 7-5 in the visitors favour Quins had no recognised kicker on the pitch. Williams then went off with a dubious blood injury so that Nick Evans could rejoin the action.

What a winker!!! Williams faces an incredible 12 month ban for faking a blood injury.

So according to rugby’s powers that be pretending you have a blood injury by putting some ketchup round your mouth and executing a Ronaldo style wink as you head to the dressing room = a year long ban.

BUT

Trying to rip someone’s eyeball out with you’re bare hands in the biggest rugby event in the world outside the World Cup Final = an eight week ban.

 

We can only conclude that it’s six times more heinous a crime to pretend you’re injured then to actively try and injury someone. Maybe the European Rugby Cup panel are worried that the sort of diving that goes on in football may start to infiltrate rugby. Then again they might just be idiots.

Skins vs Shirts? Canterbury go under.

It’s a sad indictment of the times we live in but Canterbury’s European arm has just gone bust. Canterbury supply several top level rugby teams like Wasps and Scotland as well as football teams like Portsmouth. I’d always assumed Canterbury was a company on the up, especially when they made the move from rugby specialists to football. Surely the revenue from their under armour alone could keep a small country going but obvious not a small company.

This is going to cause untold drama’s at clubs up and down the country as they wait desperately to find out if contracts will be honoured or next season will be skins vs. shirts. For the big clubs trying to get a decent kit supplier at such short notice it will be near impossible as sponsor’s names will need to be printed and replica shirts made. With such short led times the kit supplier would probably lose money.

Here at 80 minutes later we think this could provide a classic credit crunch moment where one company can profit from another’s misery. A small kit supplier may well be able to sneaking in the back door and pull off a real coup by covering the torso of teams like Wasps, Scotland and Leinester. Here are a few suggestions from the vault of terrible kits and terrible makes:

 Quaser have been very quiet on the world sporting stage ever since Gary Lineker traded in his Michael Jackson wrist guard for his Match of the Day clip board. This could be their way back.   

  

I think we’ve all had to wear a pair of these bad boys at some point. I’m talking Halbro short shorts with buttons and a draw string but you could guarantee the buttons would break the first time you wore them so your Thudercats boxers would be spilling out the front.

  

 

The teams could do down the route of Stade Francais and go for a macho mocha coloured shirt with pink flowers…GRRRR!!! They should be wary of following the Parisians led too closely, I’m not sure how Leinster’s Leo Cullen would look in a naked calendar.

Then they could always do what the Leicester team that visited London Irish in 2001 did and just turn their shirts inside out. The Leicester kit man must have forgotten it’s generally not a good idea to wear exactly the same colour shirts as the team you’re visiting. Admittedly inside out shirts wouldn’t go down well with sponsors but the lack of numbers does give you an advantage when it comes to the ref dishing out yellow cards.

 If you can think of any other examples of terrible kits, terrible boots or terible anything else get it off your chest in the comments box.

Lions look to McGeehan to save the series.

Going into this test series it was a universally held belief that if the Lions lost the first test they also lost any hope of repeating their heroic series win of 1997. However, one test into the series the Lions find themselves in exactly that position. The only glimmer of light from Saturday was the dramatic revival that saw the Lions score 14 unanswered points in the last 12 minutes and outscore their hosts three tries to two.

Even with the Lions powerful finish let’s not underestimate the size of the task ahead. The Lions have only come back from losing the first test to win a series once in over 100 years. That was in 1989 against Australia and who was in charge? Ian McGeehan. So it once again falls on the wily Scot to pick up his troops and amend his battle formations. It was clear from the first test that there is a need for change in personnel. You don’t need a rugby brain as knowledgeable as McGeehan’s to know that the Lions scrum needs tweaking but his main challenge is to put the roar back into the Lions pack and give a shot of life to backs’ impotent finishing.

That means tonight’s game against the Emerging Sprinboks is the last chance for the players on the fringes to become part of McGeehan’s master plan to save the series.

Ugo Monye was the least capped member of the Lions squad of the first test. It could have been that inexperience that allowed Jean De Villers and Morne Steyn to stop Monye on two occasions with the line at his mercy. Wingers live and die by their ability to finish and on Saturday Monye came up short. If McGeehan does replace him he’ll have to choose between the experience of the World Player of the Year and 65 times capped Shane Williams or another relative newcomer to the test arena Luke Fitzgerald. Williams is under no illusions about tonight’s game saying, “I need a big game, I know that, to have any chance of playing in the last two Tests. It is all up to me”.

The only other change in the backs could come at scrum half. Although Mike Philips scored one try and, had it not been for Bakkies Botha, would have had a second his service from the breakdown was slow. It is vital for the Lions to move the massive Springbok pack around and to get quick ball to their dominant backline. For that reason Harry Ellis many well edge past Philips if he can provide quick accurate service to Ronan O’Gara at fly half tonight.

Although Philips scored his place could be in jeopardy due to his slow service at the breakdown.

It was in the forwards where the Lions had the most trouble on Saturday. Phil Vickery endured the most crushing day of his illustrious career and the gamble to play the lightweight Lee Mears didn’t pay off. Adam Jones and Matthew Rees will step in to replace them and form an all Welsh front row with Gethin Jenkins.

The Lions pack not only lacked grunt in the scrums but also the loose. That is where the big Welshman Andy Powell could earn his corn. Powell was criticised at the start of the tour for being too one dimensional. However, to his credit he has added some subtlety to his game since his poor start against the Golden Lions. Jamie Heaslip had a very quiet game on Saturday and if Powell is at his marauding best tonight he could convince McGeehan he can give him the go forward ball he craves.

Selection in the second row has been a contentious issue all tour. Paul O’Connell hasn’t managed to recreate his towering performances for the red of Munster while wearing the red of the Lions. However, there is no chance McGeehan will drop his tour captain. The man to miss out may be Alun Wyn-Jones and his downfall will come from being too similar to his captain. McGeehan could choose to bring in a larger more combative second row partner for O’Connell in the shape of Nathan Hines or Simon Shaw.

McGeehan is already a Lions legend having been on an unprecedented seven Lions tours. Five as a coach and two as a player, including the unforgettable ‘Invincibles’ tour to South Africa 1974. If anyone knows how to win in South Africa it’s McGeehan. So the Lions biggest weapon heading into the final two tests won’t be the muscle on the pitch but the 64 year old Scottish brain in the stands.

The Lions prove they’re up for the fight.

 

 It’s six wins from six so far for the 2009 Lions but even a 100% success rate doesn’t seem enough to silence the Lions doubters.

The Lions most recent game was by far the most physical of the tour. It’s the first time on this tour the Lions spirit has been tested. Southern Kings came out to rough the tourists up. Ronan O’Gara, who came on for the injured James Hook, claimed, ” They were more interested in kicking lumps out of us than scoring or keeping the score down”. It has now been confirmed that Hook, who was pressing hard for a bench spot, will miss the first test after the Kings heavy tackling saw him leave the field with a head and neck injury. To the Lions credit they not only didn’t react to the late tackles and cheap shots but they focused on their game and triumphed 8-20.

Due to the nature of this special tour every match offers a different challenge. From playing at altitude to playing out of position the squad have answered every question asked of them. Ultimately this tour is all about the tests. A fact that is not wasted on Shaun Edwards who pointed out, “we are not doing a lot of analysis or research on the sides we will meet on the way to the first test”. The squad is focused on, “the Boks and only the Boks”.

There are obviously areas to work on. A lot has been made of the Lions inability to hold on to the ball at the breakdown. However they are no strangers to stealing the odd ball themselves, it was Andy Powell’s bear hugging turnover tackle on 82 minutes that ended Tuesday’s game when the Kings were pressing hard for a consolation try. Rewind back to Gethin Jenkins’ last minute bone crunching tackle against the Cheetahs that led to Stephen Ferris’ breakaway try. The scrum, even after the loss of Euan Murray with an ankle injury, was once more too powerful to handle and in defence only one try was conceded. Though even in victory there are points to improve on the Lions also have a lot to be confident about.

Although Tuesday’s game was not pretty it could have been exactly what the Lions needed. Edwards who is no stranger to physical confrontation believes, “When the chips are down and Tests have to be played it is better to be battle-hardened than merely buoyed.”

Edwards believes Tuesday's physical contest will serve the Lions well heading into their tests against South Africa

No injuries!!! Please!!!

In a few hours the Lions embark on their last game before their first test against World Champions South Africa. For various reason from illness to injury to the selection of a smaller squad there are a few players in the line up to take on the Southern Kings you’d rather see back at the hotel wrapped in cotton wool. Given the four day turn around any knocks picked up will be difficult to shake off before the trip to Durban to take on the Boks.

Ugo Monye has been promoted from the bench to the right wing due to Shane Williams’ stomach bug. Monye looks set reform his prolific partnership with Tommy Bowe for Saturday’s test and should that be taken away by an injury against an invitational side it would be a very bitter pill to sallow.

There are also worries up front. Prop is never the most glamorous position and often the most physically demanding especially given the Lions emphasis on the set piece. It’s a big ask for prop to play a competitive match 4 days before a test match. That would suggest that Andrew Sheridan and Euan Murray are battling it out today for a spot on Saturday’s bench. This will be Sheridan’s fourth start compared to Murray’s one. The Scot will be looking to build on his devastating scrummaging cameo against Western Province. After another bone crunching 80 minutes it could be a case of survival of the fittest for these two.

The bench will be equally nervy. David Wallace and Tom Croft can be pretty sure of Test places and they will be keen to collect splinters in their arse rather than minutes on the pitch.

The last thing we want is one of our leading players falling at the final hurdle. Be warned.

Drugs in Bath.

 

The Rec is currently in turmoil. Having seen one of their favourite sons, Matt Stevens, resign earlier this season following his admission of a cocaine problem they’ve just lost three more big names, Michael Lipman, Alex Crockett and Andrew Higgins. The trio, including the two club captains, left under very suspicious circumstances but the word on the street is they got busted for fighting and drugs. No surprise for men their age but as professional sportsman and therefore role models you expect more from them. A bit of a scrap with a rival team on a night out is nothing to write home about but the apparent use of recreational drugs is just not cricket. Although there is no evidence against the players it doesn’t look good for the games reputation. Rugby is normally the pursuit of the gentleman and is very unused to having it’s name dragged through the dirt like this.

Unfortunately, in recent years we are getting used to drugs in sport but normally they are the performance enhancing kind not the up all night partying kind.

In terms of drugs in sport Athletics has got the market cornered from the institutionalised drug taking of Communist countries in the 70s to Marion Jones forfeiting 5 Olympic medals and even serving a prison sentence.  There is light at the end of the tunnel though for every Ben Johnson pissing on Baron De Coubertin’s grave there is a Usian Bolt reenergizing your faith in the Olympic spirit. So in honour of the Olympic motto ‘Citius, Altius, Fortius’ I’m trawling the archives for some of athletics greats I’d love to see on a rugby pitch.

Usain ‘Lightening’ Bolt

No prizes for guessing where I’d like to see the fastest man on earth. As well as being able to set world records while slowing down and not even doing his shoelaces up the Jamaican freak of nature is also 6ft 5in and near 90kgs. So he not just a speedster he’d be a useful ball carrier and good under the high ball. Plus he’d do the lot on a diet of fried chicken.

Bolt would make Brian Habana look more like Brian Moore

Geoff Capes

Big Geoffrey Lewis Capes, shot putter, policeman, World’s Strongest Man and prize winning budgerigar breeder. Geoff is the most capped British Male athlete for all time and in 1983 and 1985 he chucked in World’s Strongest Man titles for good measure. At his fighting weight of around 22 stone surely he could give any prop a run for their money and I wouldn’t fancy scrumaging against that beard.

Daley Thompson

The perma-tracksuited Thompson is one of the greatest decathletes of all time. More importantly the moustachioed maestro of the multi event was also a showman. Whether whistling the national anthem or getting the “Big G” there is never a dull moment with Daly. Thompson mixes the speed of a sprinter with the power of a shot putter and for that reason I’d have him at 12. As one of the fiercest competitors in Olympic history he’d never take a backwards step.

Michael Phelps

When Phelps isn’t doing marijuana bongs at frat parties the 6ft 4inch Baltimore Bullet busies himself smashing world records and winning gold medals. The Marylander could put his incredible 6ft 7inch arm span to use as a ball stealing number 7. Also with lungs the size of a horse, the heart of a lion and 0% percent body fat Phelps would keep going longer than the Duracell bunny.

Phelps has the wing span of a Golden Eagle.

Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards

The perennial loser of the ski jumping world is my wild card selection. The Eagle has one skill, flying. He sometimes even lands. I’d have him in the team to revolutionise the line out. Spectacles and all Edwards would adopt the ski jumping position then be tossed into the air by his front row colleagues. In mid flight the hooker would throw to the soaring Eagle. As always the landing would be his own responsibility.

Lions polish off the Golden Lions.

If last week’s British and Irish Lions game against the Royal XV was all about the performance of one man, Lee Byrne, their match against the Golden Lions was all about the team.

On an impressive night for the Lions they led 10-39 at the break, meaning they had already beaten their previous record score, 36, against the Golden Lions and even after a raft of changes in the second half they continued to pile the misery on their hosts finishing 10-74 winners. Scoring 10 tries in the process.

There has been much talk in the Lions camp about the need to come to together as a squad and form a bond. Whatever the Lions management is doing behind the scenes it seems to be working as from the off the whole team seemed to be on the same wavelength and the cobwebs of Saturday’s match were well and truly blown away.

The Lions pack was on top form creating some real go forward ball which the backs capitalised on to devastating effect slicing the Golden Lions defence seemingly at will. The first half was bookended by tries from the very impressive Jamie Roberts. The big Welsh centre hasn’t put a foot wrong so far and he struck up a very promising partnership with Brian O’Driscoll, the pair look like the early favourites for the 12 and 13 Test jerseys. It was Roberts and O’Driscoll that were in cahoots for the first try of the game. After four dynamic pick and gos gained the Lions 20 metres the ball was spun wide to O’Driscoll who danced inside his man and offloaded to Roberts. It was the blueprint for the powerful clinical rugby that they played throughout the game.

Another man that has staked a very good claim to a Test place is Tommy Bowe. The Osprey went through his full repertoire of skills and had key involvement in four of the Lion’s tries and scored two of his own. Bowe covered himself in glory displaying the great speed and finishing we expect from a Lions winger but also subtle hands when he moved to centre in the second half. Had it been O’Driscoll that gave the pass to Ugo Monye for the Quins man’s second try and not Bowe the pundits would have run out of superlatives to describe his speed of hand.

On the opposite wing Monye looked fast and powerful and far from out of his depth while making is first Lions appearance after only six international caps. Throughout the side there was a lovely balance and key combinations functioned almost without fault. While Lee Mears was on the pitch not one lineout was lost and a couple were stolen, Ross Ford missed his first throw by about a metre but settled his nerves to hit his next jumper. The scrum was looking very solid then Euan Murray joined the fray and added considerable horsepower in the Lions engine room. Old Welsh pals Stephen Jones and Mike Philips linked up well, the ice cold Jones providing the foil for the physical Philips who really kept his team going forward. With the boot Jones kicked eight from nine and is probably just edging O’Gara for the Test spot at the moment.

The Lions coaching staff must have been pulling their hair out after the weekend’s game as the error count was through the roof. The Lions mistakes affected the most focally challenged of the coaching staff, Shaun Edwards, the worst. He said in the week, “when I see my team concede tries – it hurts” and the Wasps man must have been smarting when the Golden Lions hapless replacement fullback Mike Frolick went over on 34 minutes. The defensive mistake was uncharacteristically made by Brian O’Driscoll. He let his man get outside him, which is a big no no in Edwards’ up and in defence pattern, which hung Monye out to dry and left Rob Kearny with a two on one which the Golden Lions executed simply. The next 46 minutes will have given the tough task master Edwards something to smile about though, as his charges went on to not concede another point. More than that in the 80^th minute of a lung busting game they raised their intensity one last time and two massive hits from Jamie Heaslip and Gethin Jenkins led to turnover ball that Stephen Ferris scooped up and galloped home 70 metres with. Anything Piere Spies can do I can do better. That may be getting a bit carried away but there was little reason for Lions fans not to believe after this performance.

The only area of possible concern will be the driving maul. The Lions tried on several occasion to get it going and failed on all of them. However, with so much momentum being created elsewhere they didn’t have to rely on it.

Celebrations will be tempered by the knowledge that the Golden Lions were certainly not the strongest of opposition they will face in South Africa but then again neither were the Royals. The Golden Lions also went into the game in some turmoil of their own with members of the senior squad threatening to make themselves unavailable for the fixture in protest to the sacking of their coach Eugene Eloff. However, not many South Africans need a second offer to take on a Lions side and it was the visitors ability rather than the host inability that led to the one sided contest.

Tour captain Paul O’Connell is not known for his wise words but he summed up the first half nicely, “We made very few mistakes, the handling has been excellent, we’ve produced plenty of quick ball and produced some tries because of it.” Not exactly brain surgery from the big Munsterman but neither was the Lions game plan. It was simple rugby played at pace and intensity.

The coaching staff can take a lot from this game mostly that in a game where the error count was minimal, the set piece was solid, that used 22 players, having finished the game with only 14 players and a winger and a scrum half in the centres they not only continued to not concede tries they continued to score them.

Only Mad Dogs and British and Irish Lions go out in the mid day sun.

The Lions did get their 2009 tour off to a winning start but the game against Royal XV was one to forget. The Lions players and management weren’t making too many excuses but they did talk about the effects of the altitude and the heat. The longer the game went on the longer certain Lions seemed to be effected by the weather. I hope some of the fairer skinned members of the team heed their mothers advice because, “the sun is different down there boy, you’re not in Wicklow now” or something along those lines. The Lions were nearly exposed by a second sting scratch side and in the process some of them looked like over sunned British holiday makers in Benidorm after a bit too much bat ball on the beach. Although it’s the results that matter on this tour it would be nice to win in style. So here is the 80 Minutes Later makeover guide.

 Paul O’Connell

The big man is ginger, very ginger. There’s no getting away from that but in his post match interview on Sky his eyebrows appear to have gone to an all new level of ginger never before seen on this earth. It appears a combination of the African sun, the thin air and the pressure of Lions captaincy have caused hypergingerisation of his brows.

 Verdict: Just For Men Moustache & Beard Brush-in Colour Gel (obviously applied to the eyebrows)

The Lions captain puts a new meaning to the word ginger.

 Martyn Williams

Williams is following in the footsteps of another great Welsh ginger Lion in South Africa, Neil Jenkins. On Saturday one of the most consistent performers of the Six Nations and Heineken Cup suffered from the yips that affected so many of his colleagues. Williams’ offloads weren’t going to hand and he was losing the ball in contact, normally unheard of for the Welsh veteran. It wasn’t until the last play of the game that we saw the real Williams when is classy inside pass put Ronan O’Gara in for a try to give the Lions a very flattering final score line. However, as well as not playing as well as normal Williams was looking older and balder then he was just four week ago in the Heineken Cup semi-final.

 Verdict: A wig and Nivea for Men anti ageing Q10

 Ronan O’Gara

O’Gara had a good game. You can’t argue with seven out of seven from your kicker. But O’Gara was one of the reddest faced men I’ve ever seen. He was the archetypal Irish boy holidaying too close to the equator.

 Verdict: Factor 80 sun cream.

 Adam Jones

When you are facing a front row including a man with a name that sounds like a Roald Dahl character, Albertus Buckle, you probably shouldn’t have too much to worry about at scrum time. It transpired that it was Buckle by name and buckle by nature as the Lions dominated the scrum. However, over the course of the 80 minutes in sunny Phokeng Jones went from loveable, curly haired boyo to huffing and puffing frizzy mess.

 Verdict: John Frieda frizz-Ease to control the Welshman’s luscious locks.

 Keith Earls

Poor little ‘Keet’ had what can only be described as a shocker. If carrying a small Lion cuddly toy or failing to catch a rugby ball in his first four attempts in a Lions shirt didn’t make him incongruous enough being whiter than Victoria Beckham’s teeth certainly has. He must have spent the last week in South Africa in permanent shade or full body lycra. He was quite literally the whitest boy alive.

 Verdict: A trip to Turbo Beach Tanning Saloon

Keith Earls’ namesake Whitest Boy Alive in action…no real relevance I just like the song.

Project SA: Code name Spies.

There’s something about this Lions Tour that has got me very excited. Obviously all Lions tours are exciting but this year there’s no special anthem no individual rooms. The Lions have gone back to touring U15s style and I like it. So it’s sharing rooms, social secs and practical jokes. All that makes me feel quietly confident that the mood in the camp might be ripe for an upset.

However, my hopes of a Lions victory were shattered when heard about a top secret South African military experiment which involves splicing human, horse and Usain Bolt’s DNA to create a weapon of mass destruction. They gave it the code name Pierre Spies. If you watch the video below said weapon is tested with devastating results on 4 mins 30 secs.

Anyone who watches this and even for a moment thinks, “Yeah but Croft is quick too” will have Spies aimed at them and set to kill.

Also in the this video you’ll notice that South African fly halves annoying tendency to kick lots of drop goals in one game is unfortunately not dead. Morne Steyn a possible starter for the Boks against the Lions followed in the footsteps of Jannie de Beer and Naas Botha and stepped up with four of the finest drop goals you’re likely to see. Not that that gets I’m any brownie points here. Drop goals should really only be used at the end of games in a least gasp attempt to snatch victory. Like Wilko’s World Cup winning drop or Guscott’s Lions winning drop. Drop goals during open play are a bit like a low blow in a boxing match or bowling a pee roller when the opposition need six runs to win from the last ball of a cricket match. I think any South African that takes more then three drop goals in open play should be sin binned and given 10 minutes to think about the cowardly way in which he goes about scoring points in rugby matches.